Chapter 3: Healing and Remembrance
How to make new memories as a family?
The idea of moving forward as a family after the death of a child can feel impossible in the early days of grief. Having other children often means life tasks need to continue, but it can feel like everyone is on autopilot and the sense of hope and joy that being a family can bring, may feel out of reach.
Siblings tell us how important it is that their achievements and milestones remain important to parents, and that it is these events, alongside the autopilot, every day, that can provide an opportunity where families find a way to move forward and find a new normal.
This is never about forgetting or moving on, your family remains the shape it always was, this is about finding another way to continue with life.
Why it’s important to keep life moving for the benefit of your children
Callie, Me and My Therapy
Children under 5 years old:
Children of this age will benefit from routine, which can also support anyone grieving. Keep it a simple and easy routine, one which is predictable and allows children the opportunity to know what’s supposed to happen next. Recognising which parts of the routine work for your child and creating opportunities for new routines can provide opportunities for families to find a way to move forward.
Children (6-12 years old)
At this age, children may frequently speak about a sibling that has died, often at times when it may feel like it’s not the “right time”. Equally, some children may want to avoid talking about their sibling, which can make it difficult at significant dates or when someone else mentions it. Children at this age could suggest ways and times in which they remember and include their sibling in moving forward as a family.
Teenagers (13+ years old)
In adolescence, teens may be reluctant in general to take part in family orientated activities, often preferring to spend time alone or with others. For grieving parents, this can feel like a challenge to create family time and consider how you might move forward. Using time together to go back to favourite places can be helpful, but it is important to check everyone is happy to do this and respect if this doesn’t feel right for any members of the family.
Shira Shiller shares how her family has made new memories following her son Max’s death:
Here are some examples of ways to include
your child when moving forward as a family:
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Communicate as a family to know where everyone is at.
Find a way to communicate if it’s not a good day, whether that be a phase you agree on or by showing what you need.
Agree ways you would like to spend time together, giving permission for happy moments and sad moments within those times.
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Some families tell us that trying to recreate traditions and old memories is too painful when grieving, so creating new routines and traditions can support families in finding their new normal.
Including grieving siblings in new traditions can be a new way to understand how they might want to celebrate certain times and remember their sibling.
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There’s no pressure to do something particular on significant dates, only to find something that works for you and your family.
Some families celebrate birthdays, others come together on anniversaries and what might feel right one year, might be too difficult the next. There is no right or wrong way to move forward on significant dates.
Nicola Nuttal and her Mark share what their family has done to make new memories following their daughter Laura’s death in 2023:
Focus point:
For families missing a child, you will always feel acutely aware of the space in which they filled within your family, and whilst moving forward as a family can give you the joy you need to move through the grief, it can also serve as a reminder of who they could have been.
Families tell us that finding ways to openly share those thoughts and ideas of who they would have grown to be, can be helpful. Guilt can be a powerful emotion and both siblings and parents have shared with us the guilt they feel when they do find moments of joy as a family. It’s completely normal to feel “they should be here” in these moments, so feel that thought, vocalise it together if needed and then be in the moment.