Chapter 2: Understanding Grief and Emotions
How to deal with different behaviours?
Behaviour management can be an incredibly difficult world to step into. Not all children will respond to the same boundaries and some children require different approaches to best support them.
When children are bereaved we may begin to see behaviours that we have never seen in them before, making discipline and boundaries feel even harder to set. Callie from Me and My Therapy discusses why we may see new behaviours:
Different behaviours we might see in grieving children
Callie, Me and My Therapy
It’s important to remember that your children are grieving and that is why they may be displaying different behaviours which you have not seen before.
Focus point: Similarly to the themes touched upon when exploring emotions, we need to remember to use these techniques when dealing with different behaviours with children too. Where possible, giving them as much control, whilst ensuring they know what is acceptable and what isn’t, is key. When experiencing behaviours that challenge you from your child, Bruce Perry’s 3 R’s model below is one to bear in mind.
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We must help the child to regulate and calm their fight/flight/freeze responses.
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We must relate and connect with the child through an attuned and sensitive relationship.
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We can support the child to reflect, learn, remember, articulate and become self-assured.
Focus Point: When a child is experiencing grief, they may feel a huge lack of control. If as adults, we can give them a sense of control and ownership in other areas, we begin to see a difference in some of the presenting behaviours. Gaining control can lead to an increased sense of resilience and this in itself can have a positive impact on displayed behaviours.
Under 5 years old
At this stage, behaviour is all about communicating a need, particular ones they don’t yet have the language for.
Children may not always know what they are seeking through the behaviour, and it can often be linked to fundamental needs such as hunger or tiredness. Distraction or redirection can work at this age, for example playing alongside a child quietly with one of their toys may lead them to slowly joining in with you.
Children 6-12 years old
At this age, children can be more consciously engaging in behaviours to meet a need and often this is where children are “relationship seeking”.
Managing children’s behaviours at this age may lead to children pushing boundaries, repeating behaviours that got a reaction or saying hurtful things. Whilst it’s important to be clear what is acceptable and isn’t in your family and show children what natural consequences are; ensuring a connection and reassurance that they are acceptable to you, even where their behaviour isn’t, is key.
13+ years old
Behaviours can change in adolescence into more risk taking and thrill seeking or withdrawn and unengaging.
These are all normal, and children continue to need a place to feel safe, a place where they are acceptable, even when what they are doing isn’t. Rewarding teens with responsibility when sensible choices are made is often a good idea, however giving teens freedom to grow can be challenging, particularly when you are navigating parental grief, it can feel even harder to “let go” of your children into their transition to adulthood.
Here are some examples of behaviours
we may see in a grieving child:
A
Showing anger and aggression
B
Becoming increasingly withdrawn
C
Struggling to be apart from loved ones (e.g. struggling to go into school etc)
Possible adult responses to such behaviors:
A
‘Don’t shout at me like that, go to your room.’
B
‘You need to carryon going to dance class. You’ve always gone and that doesn’t need to change now.’
C
’I need to go to work and it’s good for you to be in school. Off you go, you’ll be ok when you’re in class with your friends.’
Here are some alternative adult responses to such behaviours, which may see a more positive
outcome in the child's response:
A
‘I can understand why you would want to shout and scream; I feel the same. But that’s not ok to do that and you know that. Let’s take a minute to let out our anger together and then we can sit down together to calm.’
B
‘It’s sad you feel you don’t want to do the things you’ve always enjoyed at the moment, but I understand why you don’t want to right now. Let’s put some things on pause for this week and next week, maybe we can think about just doing one thing at a time.’
C
‘I can see it’s difficult for you at the gates in the mornings at school. I think it would be good to if I spoke to school about how we can make the mornings feel a little easier for you and maybe we could ask a friend to support you in going into class.’
Focus point: None of these examples are ‘quick fixes’ and it is important to note that dealing with difficult behaviours can take time, and often, a lot of patience and perseverance. However, if we can persevere, we will, in time, see the changes and in addition to the changes, also see an increased resilience in the child as we have supported them to manage their behaviours, whilst showing them we have a level of understanding, but also have to maintain healthy boundaries as the adult/parent/carer.
Sibling Support’s Mindfulness Boxes can be a good way to help your child with their different behaviours. The boxes mix the benefits of mindfulness, the outdoors, and getting help from others, and are very popular among siblings of different ages. Each box contains National Trust passes to help your family get outside for some fresh air, stories and advice from grieving siblings, a mood cloud pin badge, a plantable memory heart, and a booklet on ways to manage your grief. They are free to order from our website here.