Chapter 2: Understanding Grief and Emotions
Different ways in which children grieve
All children grieve in different ways depending on their age, developmental stage, and their relationship with their brother or sister. Our table below gives an overview of children’s understanding of death and how they react.
Lisa Lowe, Bereavement Support Manager at Stand-By-Me explains some of the different ways in which children grieve:
Different Ways Children Grieve
Lisa Lowe, Stand-By-Me
Just like adults, children will experience grief in many ways. Factors such as their relationship with their sibling, how they died, and their age will all play a part in how they grieve for their brother and/or sister.
The Tonkin’s model of grief, created by grief counselor Lois Tonkin, suggests that grief doesn’t shrink or disappear over time. Instead, the grief remains the same size, while our life grows around it, making it feel smaller in comparison. This concept acknowledges that grief is a lifelong process rather than something that completely goes away. You can view a detailed graphic illustrating Tonkin’s model here.
In the video below, we explore what grief is based on Tonkin’s model and how it can help us understand the grieving process:
For many children, they will jump in and out of grief. One minute they can be upset and the next they are wanting to play. This is called puddle jumping.
It refers to a pattern of behaviour where children dip in and out of their grief rather than experiencing it as one prolonged stretch. This is a completely normal part of how children grieve and process loss.
It may be something that as a parent or carer can be difficult to observe, but it’s important to support their emotions as they come.
Watch Child Bereavement UK’s helpful video on about how children can seem to move in and out of their grief, and read about Breege’s experience of her 7-year-old son Charlie’s puddle jumping following the death of his brother Ruairí.
"Charlie jumped in and out of difficult feelings quickly in the early years. He would get very upset but then quickly return to play or ask what was for dinner. I found that challenging because I don't switch so quickly, and seeing him upset was hard for me. I think parenting our living children is our most challenging, important, and lifesaving job after our children die."
BREEGE HOYNE,
CHARLIE’S & RUARÍ’S MUM
How different ages groups of children grieve:
Babies
(0-2 years old)
Children
(2-5 years old)
Children
(5-11 years old)
Teenagers
(11+ years old)
Babies (0-2 years old)
While babies are too young to understand death, they can be affected by the emotional and environmental changes at home.
This can lead to different responses:
• Increased clinginess
• Loud crying
• Anger about changes to their daily routine
• Setbacks in toilet training and sleeping
Children (2-5 years old)
Children of this age don't grasp death's finality and may repeatedly ask the same questions about their sibling to understand. They may see death as temporary and reversible.
This can lead to different responses:
• Needing reassurance that you’re not going to die or leave them
• Clingy behaviour and behaving inappropriately for their age
• Setbacks in areas such as thumb-sucking, toilet training, or temper tantrums
• Needing reassurance that their actions did not cause the death
Children (5-11 years old)
Children this age may experience a range of different emotions and behaviours as they re-process their grief and start to understand what has happened more as they get older.
This can lead to different responses:
• Feeling isolated from their peers who do not understand their experiences
• Difficulty concentrating inside and out of school
• Changes in behaviour such as increased anger or withdrawal
• Regressive behaviour
• Trying to be brave and control things
Teenagers (11+ years old)
Teenagers will have a more adult understanding of death and are generally more aware of the long-term impact their sibling’s death can have on their lives.
The overwhelming emotions of grief can feel more intense for young people as they try to come to terms with what has happened. This can lead to different responses:
• Changes in school including difficulty concentrating on work and exams
• They may try to hide their grief from their peers and friends to fit in
• Struggling to talk about their feelings or hiding how they feel to protect their parents
• Worrying about developing the illness that their sibling died from
• Intense emotions (feelings of sadness, anger, or guilt)
• Tiredness
Georgia was 15 when her 17-year-old sister Olivia died. She shares her honest account of how she struggled in her grief and wished she had spoken more to her parents about it:
“When Olivia died, I had never felt proper grief before, so it was all very new and confusing. So, to be honest, I didn't cope very well. I suppressed the grief as much as I could, but that led to my grief coming out as unhealthy patterns and choices like angry outbursts, disassociation, switching off and not talking to anyone. I was a stubborn teenager and didn't want to be seen as a vulnerable kid and I certainly didn't want to stop my life and confront how I was feeling.
A 16-year-old girl like me was counting down the days to adulthood and independence, and I was scared that this would take longer than I would like if I didn't sit my upcoming exams or be forced to repeat a school year. I didn't want my friends to leave me behind and for me to be left on my own as I already felt incredibly isolated in that moment. However, the survivor's guilt was very conflicting with this, because Olivia was my sister and soulmate so there was both the guilt of almost wanting to pretend that it didn't happen but also blaming myself for what happened on top of that.
Olivia always excelled in everything that she did, so I convinced myself that everyone would have been happier if it was me who had died instead because she was always the 'better' sister. As a result of that, it was just years of undiagnosed depression, PTSD, experiencing panic attacks (but I didn't understand what a panic attack was at the time), intense guilt and shame, erratic behaviour and the list goes on! I think the most heart-breaking part of it all, was if my parents and I had just been more open and honest with each other about how we were feeling, then we could all have got the help we needed a lot sooner."
GEORGIA DEWAR,
OLIVIAS’S SISTER
Nicci Parish’s son Henry was 16 years old when his 24-year-old brother Billy died. She shares her story of how he dealt with his grief.
At Sibling Support, we invite children and young people to share their own experiences of grief following the death or their brother and/or sister. If your child or teenager is feeling alone in their grief, they may find it helpful to read other stories from people their age who have gone through similar experiences. You may also find these sibling stories helpful for information or guidance with your children.
It’s very common to feel lost when it comes to helping your children cope with the death of their sibling. It’s important to remember that everyone reacts to grief differently, and you should allow them to grieve in their own way while letting them know they can always talk to you.
In our next section, we will look at how to talk to your children about their emotions and grief.
If you would like some additional help explaining funerals to your child, then you can speak to a bereavement support worker by calling Sibling Support’s helpline with Child Bereavement UK on 0800 1026175. The helpline is open 9am-5pm Monday to Friday (except bank holidays)