Chapter 2: Understanding Grief and Emotions
How to speak about emotions?
Speaking to children about emotions can be a tricky thought. What if we get it wrong? What if we say something they won’t understand?
Callie from Me and My Therapy gives her advice on how to approach and speak about emotions with your child(ren):
How do I talk to my children about their emotions?
Callie, Me and My Therapy
The important thing to remember is to not be fearful of having such conversations. Instead opening up the topic allows for children to realise they have the space to share and explore, with a safe person, when they need too.
Sometimes something as simple as asking how their day was, can open up all sorts of new pathways of conversation. A great way of modelling conversations about emotions is for us as the adult to share how our day has been and what feelings we may have experienced that day.
Focus point: Give yourself permission to be honest - it’s ok to share your emotions with a child; in turn, this will give them permission to be honest with you in return!
Here are some examples conversations about emotions with children that can feel unsuccessful:
Adult
‘How are you feeling today?’
Child
‘Fine’
Adult
‘Do you want to talk?’
Child
‘No thanks’
Adult
‘I think we should chat about how you’ve been feeling.'
Child
‘Not right now.’
Instead, try adapting the opener - examples below:
Adult
‘I hope today has been ok for you? I’ve felt quite
sad today.’
Child
‘Why? I have felt ok today but had moments where I have felt sad too.’
Adult
‘When you’ve finished what you’re doing, let’s grab a drink and sit down together for a chat. Let me know when you’re ready.’
Child
‘Ok, that would be good. I feel like I need to offload a few things.’
Adult
Do you ever feel happy one minute then angry the next? I have felt like that today.’
Child
‘Sometimes, and I struggle to know why that happens.’
It won’t work every time but by making some simple changes to the way in which we open conversations, we can sometimes create a wider scope for more information to be shared. Doing this can also give the child a sense of ownership over their emotions and can help them to gain a sense of control over them.
Sibling Support’s Mood Cloud pin badges are a great way for children and young people to signal to others how they are feeling. Each of the colours can mean whatever you want it to, for example green might mean “I’m good”, amber may mean “I’m okay, and red may be “I need some time alone”. And by spinning the wheel to change the colour, it can subtly indicate to others how you feel in that moment. The Mood Cloud pin badges are free to order from our website here.
Under 5 years old
This age group may need lots of repetition, which can be difficult when the message you are repeating is painful to say.
Magical thinking of the under 5’s leads to a lack of understanding of the permanence of death. They may ask whether someone will be back for key events or grasp that they aren’t in the house anymore but wonder if they are somewhere else instead.
Finding a common language or gesture which indicates what they are feeling can be helpful, as can the use of emojis or characters in play. Children in this stage of development can’t stay with any one emotion for an extended length of time, so it is usual that you might see deep sadness, anger and excitement in swift succession.
For parents this can be exhausting to keep up with but finding what works for your child to support their emotional regulation can support this, whether it be a walk in the garden, a bath or blowing bubbles – this consistent regulation can provide stability for a child whose emotions are ever changing.
6-12 years old
As development stages lead to the magical thinking disappearing, a child may come to understand the permanence of someone dying but still can struggle with the concept of forever.
As development stages lead to the magical thinking disappearing, a child may come to understand the permanence of someone dying but still can struggle with the concept of forever. At this stage, children may show how they are feeling through behaviour, so encouraging them to name their emotions can be helpful.
Asking questions like “How will I be able to tell when you are feeling angry?” might be a helpful way of recognising emotions and considering whilst in a calm place “What might help you when you are feeling sad?” helps you to have a toolkit of resources you and your child can draw on in those difficult times.
Sarah and Mark Fairhurst share how they approached talking about emotions with their 12-year-old son Callum following the death of his brother Liam:
13+ years old
As children enter the adolescent phase, they may be less likely to tell parents how they are feeling, instead drawing on support from their friends or through social media when feeling difficult emotions.
This can be challenging for parents, you may feel pushed out or excluded, so keeping an open dialogue and ensuring you still offer the space for those moments is important. Parents tell us the most valuable conversations about emotions with their teens are those that are had side by side whilst in the car together or off the back of watching a show together.
Taking opportunities to speak to your child and feedback to them consistently shows that you are there for those conversations as and when they are. “I’ve noticed you seem a bit fed up at this time of day every day this week, want to tell me more about it?”
Shira Shiller’s son max was 10 years old when he died. She shares how she talked to her 16-year-old daughter Molly about her feelings following his death:
Focus point: If having verbal conversations doesn’t seem to be working, grab some pens and paper and draw or write how you’re feeling. Both the adult and child can do this together and then share with each other what’s on their paper. Very often, you will find you have lots in common and are both feeling similar emotions! This is a great way of ensuring the child doesn’t feel alone in their feelings and again, can give them permission to feel them, knowing its ok to.
Download our ‘Drawing your emotions’ exercise here which asks children to draw or describe how they feel.
Brick-by-Brick Lego activities from Play Included is another way to let your children express their emotions through creativity.
We have two Lego activities to try with your children. One is building a photo frame they can put a picture of their sibling in and another is building their favourite memory. Download the worksheets for more details.