Chapter 1: Preparing for a Farewell
How to explain a funeral to children?
Explaining funerals, burials and cremations to children needs to be approached in a way which is clear, compassionate, and age appropriate. Our video helps to outline and explain what a funeral is.
Funerals
A child’s age and their understanding of their sibling’s death will impact how much they understand about what happens at a funeral. This video from Child Bereavement UK talks through how to explain a funeral to children.
How do I explain a funeral to a young child?
Here are some steps which might help
you explain what a funeral is:
Step 1
Start with the basics: You could ask ‘Do you know what a funeral is?’ and depending on their age they may understand from seeing a funeral on television or attending another one themselves.
Step 2
Use simple and clear language: For example, “A funeral is a special ceremony where our families and friends will come together to say goodbye to your brother/sister. It’s a time for us to remember them.”
Preparing for the Funeral
If your child can attend the funeral, then it can be a good way for them to understand the finality of death and feel like they have had the chance to say goodbye. It is considered best to offer your child the chance to attend, and then you can prepare them on what to expect and support them through the process.
Whether or not to take a child to a funeral is a common question which families have when their child dies. There is no right or wrong answer, but giving a child choice can be beneficial.
We have included stories below from parents discussing the decisions they made regarding funerals which we hope will help will provide you with support when making the choice for your own family.
Breege and her husband decided to let her 7-year-old son Charlie attend his brother Ruairí’s funeral. She shares how they came to that decision.
"Charlie attended Ruairí's funeral service. It was a small service with family and some close friends, and it felt important that Charlie to be part of that. I was very scared that the pastor would say something that would confuse Charlie so we spent time talking with her before the service to work out the details so it could be understood by Charlie.
I do think the day, the service itself was overwhelming and confusing for Charlie, he'd never been to a funeral before, and even though we had talked him through it there's no escaping those big and difficult feelings, but I still think it was the best choice for him to be part of it, for us all to be together to mourn."
BREEGE HOYNE ,
CHARLIE & RUARÍ’S MUM
Sarah and Mark’s advice
Sibling Support’s founder Callum Fairhurst was 12 years old when his 14-year-old brother Liam died. His parents Sarah and Mark share their experience of Callum attending Liam’s funeral.
Heather Wicks’ shares her decision not to take her 4-year-old son Matthew to his brother Simon’s funeral.
"My husband and I decided not to take Matthew to Simon's funeral as we felt he was too young. This was 1990 so life was different then, however the next day we took him to 'see' Simon and continued to do that while he lived at home. When I had my younger children we took them as well, we have always had photos of Simon, we have always talked about him and now Matthew takes his children to see Simon, they are 8 and 6."
HEATHER WICKS ,
MATTHEW’S & SIMON’S MUM
If your child is attending their sibling’s funeral, then it is important to prepare them for what it will be like so they feel in control and will know what is happening on the day.
1
Explain what will happen:
Use age-appropriate language and talk them through what will happen on the day and during the service.
2
Involve them in the process:
This could be something like helping pick the colours of flowers or choosing a song. If your children are younger, they could draw a picture which could be displayed whether they are attending or not
3
Visit the funeral location:
Visiting the church or crematorium beforehand may help some children feel less scared about the unknown of the day and let them familiarise themselves with the surroundings.
4
Discuss emotions:
Let your children know it’s okay to feel sad or angry or happy on the day of the funeral. It’s important to let them know that there could be a lot of people crying but that’s okay, so it doesn’t startle them on the day.
5
Have an exit plan:
It’s important your children know they can leave if it’s too much for them. Having a person who can take them outside for a break will help give them reassurance.
Burials and Cremations
If your child is attending the funeral, then it can be useful to explain what happens after it, before they attend.
This is so they are not left wondering what is happening on the day or overhear conversations among those attending. When explaining a burial or cremation, your use of language and how much detail you use will depend on your child’s age and understanding.
Breege explains how she explained her son’s cremation to her 7-year-old son.
"We chose to cremate Ruairí's body and explaining that was very challenging as Charlie had a lot of inquisitive questions that I found difficult to answer but I felt it was important that Charlie understood (as best a 7-year-old can) what was happening, and I do think that helped him. I also think even though it was scary for him he'd have been more scared and confused if we had chosen not to explain everything to him honestly and have him part of the service."
BREEGE HOYNE,
CHARLIE’S & RUARÍ’S MUM
It’s also important to emphasise that your child’s brother and/or sister cannot feel anything anymore and they are in no pain. You can remind them it’s normal to feel sad or confused and encourage them to ask questions at any time.
This may be a topic that you come back to over the years as your child gets older, so don’t feel like you need to over explain things all at once. Telling them the basic facts may be all they need to know, and you can offer clarity at a later stage.
Here are some examples of things you might say about a burial:
“After the funeral, the coffin will be placed in a hole in the ground. Remember your brother or sister cannot feel anything anymore.”
“There will be a gravestone where they will be buried with their name on it. Whenever we want to remember them, we can visit her/him at the grave and bring them flowers or presents.”
“When someone dies, we have a special place called a cemetery where we will put their body in the ground in a box called a coffin.”
Explaining a cremation to children requires sensitivity and clarity as it can be a confusing concept for children to understand. If your child is young, then using words like “fire” or “burn” can be scary for a child to hear.
Here are some examples of things you might want to say about a cremation:
“When someone dies their body is turned into ashes. This is called a cremation.”
“A cremation is when a person’s body is placed into a special machine that turns it into ashes. They won’t feel anything because their body has stopped working. The ashes are kept in a special pot called an urn”.
“After the funeral, [name] will be taken to a special place where a machine will turn their body into a powder called ashes. The ashes will be kept in a special pot called an urn.”
If you would like some additional help explaining funerals to your child, then you can speak to a bereavement support worker by calling Sibling Support’s helpline with Child Bereavement UK on 0800 1026175. The helpline is open 9am-5pm Monday to Friday (except bank holidays)