Chapter 1: Preparing for a Farewell
How to explain death to your children?
Finding the right words to explain death to your children can be a delicate and challenging task, but it will differ depending on your child’s age and understanding. You know your children best and will know what information they will be able to digest.
The idea of talking to children about death can be scary. Often, we’re not sure what is the right thing to say. It can also be challenging explaining death to children because their understanding and emotional responses will vary significantly depending on their age. And how you explain death to your children will also differ depending on your religious beliefs.
Each child is individual and you, as their parent or carer, will know what is best. Our information below covers children of different ages and we’ve included stories from parents who have shared their experiences of explaining death to their children.
Lisa Lowe, Bereavement Support Manager at Stand-By-Me Bereavement Support gives her advice on how to talk to your children including guidance if you’re finding it difficult.
If you’re struggling to find the right words remember:
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Maintain routines as much as possible to help them feel secure.
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Be prepared to answer questions and explain what has happened multiple times.
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Be truthful and avoid confusing language.
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Provide emotional support and a secure environment.
Babies (0-2 years old)
While babies cannot understand death, they can be affected by the emotional and environmental changes that will happen at home following the death of their sibling. Although difficult while grieving, providing consistent care, offering physical comfort, and maintaining routines as much as possible are all ways in which you can support your baby.
Top Tip 1: Consistency
Parents Sarah and Mark Fairhurst explain why maintaining a routine can help children feel secure following the death of their sibling.
Children (Age 2-5)
Children of this age will think ‘literally’ so the language you use is important. Phrases such as “passed away” and “gone to sleep” can be confusing for children to understand, and they may misunderstand the finality of death and think their brother or sister will come back.
It is recommended to use terms like “death” or “dead” which will be less confusing for them. Young children may also need to be told repeatedly that their sibling has died to fully understand what has happened.
Heather Wicks’ son Matthew was 4 years old when his 9-month-old brother Simon died. She shares how she told him about his brother’s death:
"We never told Matthew that Simon had gone to sleep, or he was in heaven, we just told him he was in our hearts. Matthew will always say he has two brothers and a sister. As I always say I have three boys and a girl."
HEATHER WICKS,
MATTHEW’S AND SIMON’S MUM
Primary school children
As with younger children, it is best to use terms such as “dead” or “death” to avoid any confusion that their sibling might be coming back. As children of this age grow older, they are likely to re-process their grief and start to understand and ask more questions.
Top Tip 2: Honesty
Nicci Parish’s son Henry was 16 when his brother Billy died. She explains why being honest and avoiding confusing language helps.
Breege Hoyne’s son Charlie was 7 years old when his brother Ruairí died. She explains how her family explained Ruairí’s death and helped him to understand what was happening.
“When we told Charlie that Ruairí died, we explained that his body had become too weak so his heart stopped working and that meant he had died, and he would not ever see him again alive.
“We told him Ruairí would always be his baby brother, and death wouldn't change that. It was the hardest thing I've ever told Charlie, but we felt being clear and honest was best. We used the word 'died' rather than 'passed away' or 'gone to sleep' to avoid confusing him.”
BREEGE HOYNE,
CHARLIE’S & RUARÍ’S MUM
Each child is individual and you as their parent or carer will know what is best for your child and what they will be most likely to understand and when.
Explaining death to a child with additional needs may be more challenging and requires patience, sensitivity, and an understanding of the child’s specific needs and comprehension level which will differ for each individual child.
Sara George shares her experience of explaining her daughter’s death to her son who has additional needs who didn’t understand what was happening:
"When my 23-month-old daughter Lydia passed away on 4th June 2021, my then 10-year-old-son with additional needs didn't understand what was happening. So, to help him understand I told him, Lydia became our real-life rainbow in the sky. And now we call 4th June rainbow day and hold an annual fundraiser on and around that date.”
SARA GEORGE,
LYDIA & REIGHTON’S MUM
Teenagers
Teenagers generally have an adult understanding of death, but they may struggle with the emotional aspects and the impact the death will have on their lives. Teenagers can handle more complex information about death and will appreciate your honesty rather than feeling like they are being kept in the dark about things.
It can often be difficult for teenagers to ask for help while trying to keep their independence. Teenagers may also be burdened with taking on more adult responsibilities at home and it’s important they do not feel they like they need to step up into roles and are allowed to grieve.
Top Tip 3: Reassurance
Nicci Parish’s son Henry was 16 years old when his 24-year-old brother Billy died. She explains how they created a reassuring and supportive environment.
Our advice above is only guidance, you will know what is best for your child and what they will understand and be able to cope with.
If you would like any additional support or advice to help you explain death to your children or help with any questions, they may have then you can call our helpline with Child Bereavement UK on 0800 1026175 which is open Monday to Friday 9am-5pm.