Vala’s story
Vala & Robin
Vala was 16 when her older brother died by drowning. In this heartfelt post she speaks about coming to terms with his death, and how things have changed over time.
My brother Robin was 2 years older than me and he was my best friend. He had this amazing way of seeing the world and he could make the most mundane things seem hilarious. When things were tough growing up, it was me and him against the world.
When I was 16, I went on holiday with my parents and a friend. While we were there, we had the worst news we could imagine. My brother had drowned trying to get a football out of a lake while at a barbecue with some friends. I remember travelling home that day, knowing my life would never be the same.
Initially I reacted by throwing myself into my A levels, then Uni, then work.
“I didn’t realise it at the time, but I was subconsciously thinking that if I worked really hard, Robin would somehow come back.”
It sounds crazy now, but I was unknowingly running away from my grief for eight years. One day at work after something insensitive was said, it hit me that this grief wasn’t going away and Robin wasn’t coming home. I went home that night and told my now husband that I couldn’t run anymore; I was exhausted.
I took 2 weeks off work, got some counselling and actually faced the fact I wouldn’t see my brother again. It was a turning point for me in starting to accept and process my grief. But I never expected it to change so much with time - after 17 years I don’t miss talking to my brother every day like I used to, and that side of my grief has become easier to handle.
“But I now mourn what could have been, especially now I see my friends being bridesmaids at their brothers’ weddings and becoming aunties to little nieces and nephews.”
I’m lucky enough to have my own two beautiful daughters now, but it breaks my heart that Robin will never get to meet them.
Unfortunately, over the years I’ve had a lot of people say insensitive comments or awkwardly change the subject when I bring up my brother. It’s incredibly frustrating but I’ve come to realise it is sadly inevitable - grief makes people uncomfortable & many would rather just avoid it. I’m lucky to have my husband and a core group of friends that I can talk to on the really tough days like the anniversary or Robin’s birthday.
Dealing with grief has had a positive influence on me in some ways - I always make sure I reach out to friends experiencing loss now and don’t shy away from the “awkward” topics like so many others do. If there’s been one positive to take away, it’s that I now understand that grief can be a very lonely place and I hope I can make it just a little bit easier for someone else by using what I have learnt from my own experiences.
Reflecting on what I’ve learnt these past 17 years, my advice for others whose siblings have died is:
Try not to run from your grief or deny it for too long.
Be aware that grief can change over time.
You can’t count on all people to be sensitive and understanding, so try not to let it get you down and find your core support network - don’t be afraid to lean on it when you need to!
