Kate's story
Kate's brother died after being involved in an accident, here she encourages others to be open about how they feel and seek support whenever it is needed.
My brother passed away suddenly in an accident in 2007. I had just turned 19. It definitely took time for it to actually feel real and to get through the initial shock and the fact he was never coming back. We both still lived at home and were a very close family.
I had just qualified as a hair stylist. I decided to return to work quite quickly to try and keep myself busy. I found this difficult especially being customer facing and trying to put on a front and provide a service. I decided to take a break from work, so I took a few months off to give myself time to grieve and spend time with those who missed my brother too. I felt this would provide some much needed comfort. He was a front man in a band so there was a close group of people who were also left devastated by his passing.
I personally found it difficult being in my late teens at a time where everyone is partying, making fun plans and looking forward to their future and careers etc. I felt that I had to try and keep up with them all, but this was a challenge carrying the heavy grief and worries around with me.
Worries for myself but also for my parents and my other brother.
I tried to join in with all the partying, not fully realising the toll it would take on my mental health and that others around me were not going through the same. I found it difficult to settle into work and changed career paths a number of times.
I now look back and reflect 16 years on and I really wish I had been kinder to myself and put more time into self-care. I have learned along the way that the most important thing when grieving is to really slow everything down and look after yourself properly.
Drinking and exhausting yourself only makes things worse and harder to cope with.
Being 19 it was difficult not to feel like you were being left behind by your peers and hard for them to relate to something they have never experienced. It was at times quite lonely even when I was in a room surrounded by others. I really put pressure on myself to live life to the fullest for my brother but that’s not easy when you’re not in the right frame of mind.
I also feel looking back now that it is really important to seek mental health support from the beginning. Talking to someone professional about your grief would make such a difference to how you cope with everything, and also seeking ways to cope with any trauma and anxiety. I had a lot of worry about someone else I love dying.
“I think I almost felt embarrassed and like I wasn’t coping if I reached out to someone, but I realise now how crucial it is to talk.”
Also just talking generally to friends or family you feel comfortable with about how you’re feeling helps. There were definitely times I kept my pain to myself too much and it really did make it more of a struggle.
I realise now there is something positive that has come from it all and that is the need to support others in similar situations. It is such a relief to see organisations like Sibling Support for those struggling to be able to reach out and get the help they so desperately need.
