Debra’s story
Debra and Lesley
Debra shares her story after her sister, Lesley, died from bowel cancer in December 2021.
My sister was diagnosed with bowel cancer in January 2021. She had surgery to remove it, followed by three lots of chemotherapy. The results in August showed that even with the treatment the cancer was still growing and spreading.
Lesley and I were so close. My big sister. She was always there for me. We had taken short breaks together and gone to the RHS flower shows. Lesley lived on her own but had adopted a stray cat that had been camping out in her garden. I am married but visited my sister lots and even though I live quite a distance away, we always had our weekly chats.
There was a point when she was in hospital where I felt she would not walk away from the cancer, I got up in the night to go and get her cat. I did a three hundred and thirty two mile round trip. I promised I would look after him for her. It was almost bonfire night and even though he had been a stray I did not want him to be scared and without a human to comfort him. I said I would take him back if she got home which, I think we both sadly knew wouldn't happen.
Percy is well settled with me and my two female cats. He is a piece of her.
Lesley left hospital so she could die at home, there wasn't a place for her at the hospice. My brother, sister-in-law, niece and I were with her. She got to say goodbye to friends and neighbours. We had carers in the day but not at night. It was really rough but I'm glad she was at home. As it was Christmas time, getting her medication was hard but we managed. Looking back, I still can’t believe what we went through.
Lesley died on the 29th December 2021. The cancer was a very aggressive form but I did feel let down by the NHS as she was so ill and left being sick for months. You learn as time passes that life is strange.
She had given me money for her funeral and there were so many people who came to say goodbye - her walking group, friends and her work colleagues. She was surrounded by love. I never expected her to die at 58. We had a holiday on hold to Holland to see the famous bulb field. We'd made plans to retire and move closer to each other. Cancer took this from me and there is not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.
“The tears subside and I surround myself with pictures of such good memories with my sister.”
“Grief is such a hard thing to deal with, especially with a sibling. I was angry and frustrated as I experienced different stages.”
I listened to podcasts and accessed counselling through work. Small things are so major as you process your grief. People just don’t know what to say. I found coping with work hard as I have a stressful job and have broken down a few times, but they have been really supportive.
My sister dying was so different to when my parents died as I think I knew in my heart of hearts that it was inevitable. I think I feel Lesley’s presence sometimes, or things happen which may sound a little strange. I was alone on the night she died and woke with a strange feeling. I had to go and check the doors were locked. I had left the front door unlocked and just thought that maybe she had let me know somehow. Who knows! I don't consider myself religious or believe in the supernatural. It's a strange one.
I work from home and have family photos on my desk and on canvasses. This is my way of having them surround me in lovely memories. I only really felt at peace about two years after Lesley died. Yet no day passes that I don’t think about her. The only dread I have now is when I lose the cat, my last piece of her.